If you were building a new house, would you ask someone who had never built a house before, to do it for you?
Of course not.
Just as you’d never ask a plumber to service your car, or a mechanic to treat your illness.
Expecting someone who knows very little about something to give you expert advice is just asking for trouble.
Yet many people who set themselves goals do exactly that — they seek advice from people who have not achieved that goal, or aren’t even working towards that goal.
And then they wonder why they don’t succeed.
Why do you ask for advice from people who aren’t successful?
The same applies to the weight loss journey. Many people seek out others who haven’t been successful in losing weight and keeping it off, and then ask them for their advice or opinion.
While this doesn’t seem to make sense, there are reasons why people do this.
Looking for a quick-fix
A lot of people who ask others for advice are really looking for a quick-fix or a magic solution for their weight troubles. Even if they are working with a coach, who has experience and knowledge in long-term weight loss, these people still believe there is a quicker way to lose weight. And so they ask their friends, their colleagues and their family members about their approach or the latest diet they have been on — all of which will vary and become ‘noise’. The truth is, there is no secret formula to help you lose weight.
Avoiding accountability
Spending time with other people who are further behind on the weight loss journey means you avoid accountability, and can continue to pick and choose what you want to do to lose weight, instead of doing what you need to do. Those people who have never succeeded in losing weight have not worked on their habits, so they don’t understand the importance of telling you what you need to hear. Instead, they continue to enable you by telling you things that you want to hear. This only reinforces your beliefs, and keeps you stuck and frustrated about your slow results. And then what usually happens, is that you both end up whining and complaining about your inability to lose weight.
Avoiding being vulnerable
Checking in with other people who don’t understand what you’re trying to do means you can keep hiding. You can hide from your habits, you can hide from your lack of results, and you can hide from your coach. Most people who hide, think the problem is their food and exercise — usually their bingeing or not doing the right exercise.
However, the real problem is hiding. When you hide, you don’t make yourself vulnerable or accountable. Accountability is the only way forward if you’re to confront your fears, and address the real reasons why you’ve gained weight, and why you can’t seem to lose it. But you can’t be accountable without being vulnerable.
Not ready to confront fear
If you’re asking your unsuccessful support group for advice, there’s a fair chance that you’re pushing away the right people who can help you. This is because you know that the right people will challenge you on the things you need to work on but you’re afraid to do this. Because you’re not ready to be confronted and work on these things, you continue to seek the people who enable your same old behaviours. While this may seem safe and comfortable, it won’t help you lose weight.
To feel better
Spending time with someone else who hasn’t successfully lost weight can make you feel better about your lack of results. Human nature is to avoid people who are ahead of us on our journey, because it’s confronting. They remind us of the things we’re avoiding, or haven’t addressed, and where we really are on our journey. Instead, we gravitate to people who are heavier than us, more unhealthy than us, or have more bad habits than we do. However, this comparison with other people will only stop you from working on your own goals, and will give you a false sense of security about where you’re really at.
You’re a people-pleaser
Even if you’re trying to lose weight, you’ll still end up hanging around with the wrong crowd if you’re a people-pleaser. Too afraid to hurt other people’s feelings, you’ll give in and join them in drinking, or you’ll spend time doing things for other people, instead of working on yourself. This habit of people-pleasing is guaranteed to stop you from losing weight permanently.
Consequences of seeking out unsuccessful people
When we struggle with our weight loss journey, seeking out the people who have been unsuccessful or are struggling with the same things, is the worst thing you can do. Because seeking advice from the wrong people only sabotages your weight loss efforts.
This is because they’re not able to give you the right action steps to get you out of the hole you’re in. Instead of giving you a helping hand up, they invite you into their own hole. Before you know it, you’ve joined them in their hole, and losing weight seems harder than ever.
What often happens then, is that we look at the other person and think “I’m better off than them. At least I don’t weigh that much, look like them, eat that much junk, etc.” And then we begin to settle and become complacent. We start to tell ourselves that there’s not that much wrong with us. That we’ve already come a long way. And we’re actually in a pretty good place right now — compared to the other person who’s in the hole.
And before you know it, you’ve slipped back to old habits that are sending you backwards, or you give up and quit altogether.
What to do instead
Look for people on the same journey as you
If you’re serious about losing weight for good, you need to surround yourself with the people who are on the same journey as you, but only the ones who are doing the work, and confronting their fears.
Of course, this will be confronting in the beginning because it will trigger your insecurities about your journey. You might feel bad about not achieving your goals or your confidence may take a hit. This is normal. The key is to keep hanging around them because success leaves clues. You’ll begin to see what it really takes to lose weight, and change your habits. Spending time with these people will trigger you to work on your habits. Their positive mindsets will rub off on you as well. When you see what’s possible, and what someone else just like you has achieved, you’ll begin to believe that you can achieve it too.
Look for people who have achieved what you want to achieve
Seek out those who have already achieved what you want to achieve. For example, if you want to get off the diet rollercoaster and learn to have a good relationship with food, hang out with someone who has achieved that. If you need to learn to put yourself first without feeling guilty, spend time with someone who has learned to do that. Seeking out the people who haven’t achieved what you want to achieve will only cause you to stagnate, and eventually send you backwards.
Work with a coach
You also need to work with a coach who will hold you accountable and help you track data. When you record data — including who you spend time with, how you feel, and what you end up doing as a result — you’ll increase your awareness around your habits and behaviours. They’ll then give you the correct action steps you need to take, in order to overcome this habit that’s holding you back. And because you’ll be held accountable, they won’t enable your self-limiting habits like other people will.
Need our help?
At Imani Tribe Transformations we help our clients find the pathway to weight-loss success.
Through our structured approach, and accountability, we provide them with the skills, tools and knowledge they need to develop their own blueprint for success — including being aware of how other people may impact their journey.
